


Blue's Oneshot Collection

by Blueperson2021



Category: The Loud House (Cartoon)
Genre: Dark Comedy, F/M, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Other, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:20:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24635971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueperson2021/pseuds/Blueperson2021
Summary: A collection of humorous short stories orginally shot between writers in response to other fics on the site; now published for everyone else as well. Warning: the second chapter is Pitch Black in tone.
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**The Horvitz incest surprise**

Horvitz House is a nice and simple story, compared to a relaxing ride by an online friend of mine. In fact the only thing they mentioned that could ruin the experience would be if the baby came out with white hair and there was mention of 'fun juice' at the family reuinion nine months prior…

Well now wouldn't THAT be a twist:

"Dammit Leni!" Groaned Lincoln. "Why did you even tell me? We would have guessed it was a gene on your side!"

"Well Chaz's man-berries were empty-"

"Infertile sweetheart, I'm infertile but they're not empty-"

"And you were totes into it-"

" _Drunk_ Leni!" Lincoln snapped. "I was _drunk_ enough for this to sound like a good idea."

"And now he gets to have two Dads and Mommy! It's totes progessor!"

"... I can't stay mad at you." Lincoln sighed. "Just don't tell anyone else; your/our kid doesn't need this over their head. And I don't want to be known as-"

SMASH!

Lynn Loud came through the door like a deranged drink advert, followed by a smattering of sisters as she carried a bottle of Jack Daniels in her other hand.

"Hey Leni!"

"Hi Lynn!" Leni waved with her non-baby bearing hand. "Did you come to see my baby?"

"Aww yeah I did, but I also heard the sperm bank was open for business so me an' the girls here are taking Linc for a spin later- gotta get the squirt out before the Olympics you know!"

"What the fuck?" Asked Lincoln in a flat voice, his processing centres having given up on life.

"Not in front of the kid!" Declared The Chaz. "Take it outside!"

"Yeah, yeah no swearing or fun times in front of the baby boy" Lynn leaned down to her first nephew. "Heya squirt; guess who's favourite auntie came to see you!"

Leni's progeny said nothing. Because it was only a few days old and still questioning why it has been evicted.

"Ahh he'll come around," Lynn dismissed with one hand.

"He totes will!" Agreed Leni "But maybe he could use some cute cousins..." her attempted coyness would have been pitiful on anyone else but was merely cute on her.

"Don't worry; that's what the incest juice here is for!" Lynn brandished her bottle.

"Ohh; I thought it was 'fun juice' though?" Questioned the new mother.

"It's probably a branding thing." Affirmed The Chaz.

"Incest jui- Lynn I'm still processing everything but no." Affirmed Lincoln. "I- what the hell even happened? How did we get here?"

"Same way we're going to get into the Alabama hall of fame; some help from Jack and a whole lotta fu-"

"Language!" Reminded The Chaz.

"Sorry Chaz. Anyway girls grab the sperm bank and lets go!"

The half a dozen mob of sisters promptly grabbed the protesting platinum blond man and dragged him away as Leni cheerfully waved them off.

"Do you think he'll be alright?" Asked The Chaz.

"Totes!" Confirmed the happy mother. "And you get to be an Uncle with Auntie Leni in nine months!"

* * *

**Dust cloud Brawls in Horvitz House:**

Do you think Dust Cloud Brawls still happen in the future? Does Leni still participate even while pregnant?

Well obviously.

"Leni no you're pregnant!" Chaz desperately tried to hold his round wife from the vortex of raging siblings.

"Lemme go honey!" Demanded Leni. "That so and so made everyone think Jorts were in season!"

"They are!" Asserted Lori, moments before Lynn's fist filled her mouth. Leni broke her husband's grip with sudden ease and jumped in with a finesse that no one would believe could have come from a pregnant woman.

"Don't worry son," Lynn Sr reassured his son in law with a firm pat to one shoulder. "That's a Loud baby, they're made of tough stuff."

"I sure hope so- WERE THOSE EYEBALLS?"

"Ahh, looks like Lisa done both of them now!"

* * *

**Adopted Lincoln has it rough:**

Do you think that Adopted!Lincoln would have his status used against him in the siblings conflicts?

Again: Obviously.

"I'm Mom's favourite!" Declared Lola

"No I'm Mom's favourite!" Established Lana

"Shut it twerps!" Snapped Lori. "No one is the favourite."

"Actually scientifically speaking each parent is likely to have a preferred child by simple personality compatibility, street name: common interests," Lisa adjusts her glasses. "But clearly the only child to bring in an income into the household rather than being a net expense would be actually valued above all others."

"You- I HAVE A JOB!" Lori snarled.

"You are a burger fool who spends more in an hour texting Bobby than you make in a day."

"Guys I don't think this is helping anyone," Lincoln of course recognised a SFP incident in the making. "Maybe they just love everyone the same?"

"Shut it 'chosen one'!" Lori glared down at him.

"Yeah! Stay out of this!"

"You're not even in the running for this contest!"

"I must concur; outsiders should not get involved in family matters. Especially after their last attempt at 'helping' ended escalating the fight protocol."

Lincoln gaped, then sniffled a bit before turning to just leave; only to bump into a slightly red Rita Loud. The girls froze and Rita's disapproving visage informed them of a grounding. But she briefly brightened and leaned down to Lincoln to help him on his feet.

"Why don't you go upstairs for a bit sweetie?"

He nodded, and was caught for just a moment as she whispered into his ear:

"You're the favourite because I didn't have to go through hours of labour for you; okay?"

And with that the boy felt a bit better, and the girls withered under their mothers gaze.

* * *

**A theory about Lisa Funtime Machine**

Omega Ultra's: Lisa Loud's Funtime Machine! Is a fun porn story about the various Louds having their various fanon fetishes fulfilled under the waver thin justification of Lisa testing an invention. In chapter 6 however it is revealed that she was doing something else at the same time as her siblings were 'occupied'.

This was one proposed purpose to her antics:

One month after chapter 6:

"So let's get this straight; you tricked at least two (probably a lot more) of your siblings into pregnancy with some random person's jizz-"

"I prefer the term 'anonymous donor' ."

"Shut up Leese."

"Very well, continue your inane moralising at will."

"You impregnated your sisters with a 'sperm donation' for unknown purposes, and you expected us to be fine with it? Why? How? WHAT THE FUCK LEESE!?" Lori's eyes bulged, behind her the distressed and disturbed siblings gathered in judgement.

"Please cease your pointless emotional outbursts-"

"LISA!"

"- street phrase: 'calm your tits' ."

"Lisa I think she's actually going to kill you if you keep this up," the sole boy warned.

"I ain't stoppin' her this time neither." Confirmed Luna.

"I was more concerned with her blood pressure causing further issues in her advancing age; but I digress." The scientist pointedly took a sip of tea as Lincoln and some slightly less angry siblings prevented a homicide. "Now as I was saying there was a very good reason for all of this-"

"But not one we could know beforehand, otherwise we wouldn't agree right?" A now broken lipped Lincoln snapped. "How did you get all this stuff set up anyway? Why use us, hell why did you want my cum-"

His eyes suddenly widened.

"I suggest you calm yourself dear Brother, you will have your answers and more if-"

"Shut the fuck up Leese; why did you want his baby juice?" Lynn demanded, a new dread forming alongside her future offspring.

"Those are contradictory demands-"

"Where did you get the sperm for this in the first place Lisa?" Lincoln's voice shook. "I need to know-"

"Half the room needs to know!" Asserted Lori. "So yeah, let's start with that question."

"... Well, my main reasons aside, there are certain debates in the scientific community about the merits of 'Line Breeding'-"

The beating that followed is how Lisa finally learnt to hide her experiments a bit better.


	2. Tattling but merciless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tattling is a dark story whose only humour comes from the sheer dissonance between sanity and the perspective of the Loud Family as whole in regards to incest.  
> Of course; that doesn't have to be the case.  
> Below are some shorts taking place in a version of Tattling with a tone of pitch black humour rather than anything dramatic or tragic, starting with one where the events of Lincoln's Alone Time were more about Lincoln getting time away from the sisters than possibly chocking the chicken.

**Losing his alone time.**

"See!" A triumphant Lynn Loud displayed a camera depicting Lincoln 'engaging in relations' with a girl in his room. "He's been doing dirty things in his room!"

"Well that is true, I guess you don't need alone time so badly after all son." Mused Lynn Sr.

"Yeah, and Lynn doesn't need her turn _because the girl in the video is **her!**_ " Snapped Lori, behind her Luan pointed pulled up a schedule marked with the various girls 'Lincy time'.

"I DIDN'T DO IT WILLINGLY!" Shouted the white top. "Lynn just came in through the vents and made me-"

"Son we talked about this."

"But-"

"Lincoln I am very disappointed in you for lying to us and for avoiding your sisters, don't dig yourself any deeper." His mother warned.

"Yeah Bruh, you're in hot water already," Declared Luna with folded arms. "You've been whingin' for weeks, Lana's been asking why Blarney would go 'there' and why you're blubberin' about it!"

"You can really mess up a girls developing mind if you expose them to that kind of thing!" Declared Rita with hands on her hips

"But what about mine!?" Gasped the aghast elven year old.

"You're a boy; it's different." Asserted Lynn Sr. "Besides you're like a communal dildo at this point anyway; there's no unpopping that cherry!"

"Speaking of cherries; has anyone gone for the ass yet?" Asked Lynn, bouncing a ball with one foot.

Luna snorted. "My dudes please; those buns've more clevage than Lori- no shade there by the way sis-"

"Don't make it creepy Luna."

"Sure thing. Anyway I shoved Big Blarney up there first chance I got-"

"IT REALLY HURT!" Declared the elementary schooler, holding his buttocks in remembered burning. "AND IT'S WHY-"

"Shush brah you know you loved it. As for the rest..." Luna tapped her chin thought. "Well I know Sam's been teaching him how to chow down proper so his mouth is spoken for."

"I got the hands the first time." Confirmed Lori. "Thanks for teaching him to finger the Chello Luna, it literally made things easier."

"No probs sis!"

Luan thought for a moment "I played his thighs like hambone before trying to make Libby.."

"Oh yeah, how's that goin'?" Inquired the Jock with smirk.

"Great! I'm a week late already!" The Jokester declared with glee. "Guess I'm a 'quick shot' after all! Geddit?"

"Hah, not a bad one that time… but but as quick as me, I got a test this morning!" The Jock caught her ball with one hand and grinned to the room, suddenly clenching pregnancy tests between the fingers of the other . "Six positives; looks like Lynnsanity is FIRST like always!

The rest of the girls reluctantly clapped while the soon to be grandparents clutched each other in joy for their child.

Lincoln just screamed into a pillow.

"Also; I got the feet and just about anythin' else that wasn't taken. Gotta stake my claim after all!"

* * *

**Setting a record.**

In Alone Time Denied I established that the girls had a 'healing factor' of sorts that ensured they would be plagued with periods forever. Nuuo promptly questioned if this meant that they would also grow new eggs, and thus could pop out children forever. This quickly became a back and forth where we concluded that between the more competitive girls it would become a race to see if they could claim the entire year for Loud birthdays and the last 'free day' of the year for their one of their specific progenies birthdays.

"Girl please, just one day-"

"Shush Linc, we're goin' for a full year!"

"My dick has been rubbed raw so many times it's numb Luna."

"Then get Lisa to fix it!"

"It turned green for a week last time."

"And grew four inches!"

"I'm also sure that was when Lulu was conceived."

"..."

"..."

"Eh, she's pretty cool once you get pa-"

"God I wish Lori could hold her liquor!"

* * *

**Lincoln gets visited by his mother**

_Emphasised section by Nuuo:_

_"woah woah woah, woah, I'm adopted?"_

_"Yes! And its tradition that adopted kids are abused. What do you think Clyde's dads do to him?"_

_"Oh god"_

_"You know what a spitroast is Lincoln?"_

_"Sam and Luna and Lynn's softball team taught me..."_

_"Attaboy champ!"_

_"But who're my real parents? Why was I put up for adoption? I'm confused over my identity now!"_

_"Way to suck the air out the room fake son, now I'm off to go fishing! While I'm gone you're gonna have to pound your mother's tuna while I go out for smokes."_

_"Dad don't go!"_

"Mom don't you have enough kids!?"

"Well yes Sweetie; that's why I'll be showing you how to use a condom, since I know the girls sure won't!"

"... I'm actually happy to hear that. They wouldn't even let me touch one even when they were whor-"

"Sharing sweetheart, we're sharing you!"

"When they were 'sharing' me with their friends. I'm expecting to get an STI before I turn twelve."

"Well Lynn said that her idea of having her kids early caught on with some of her friends, and at some of the rest just really like creampies- I'm sure one or two are on the pill anyway!"

"That doesn't stop STIs; and what about their moms? Why did you let them-"

"Well dear not everyone's husband can keep it up in their old age; your father is a rare exception!"

"Then go get him bac-"

"He needs his rest dear."

"So do I!"

"You're young and spry, and Lisa's injections are keeping everything running nicely anyway!"

"Lisa injections? When were thes- Leese is in this too!?"

"..."

"..."

"... Fuck it; I'm honestly just happy I won't have a sister-daughter."

* * *

**Lincoln tries to roast Lynn, after she comments on how their parents call Lincoln their "favourite Son" because he's their only one rather than "favourite kid".**

"Well that's because they don't want to make you guys feel bad!" Snapped Lincoln.

"Or maybe it's because you're store bought!" Jeered Lynn. "Come on; it's not like they have another son to choose from."

"So you don't count then?" Lincoln asked 'innocently'.

"Why wou-" Lynn's eyes narrowed. "What are you implying Stincoln?"

"Oh nothing… oh remind me; Francisco turned you down because 'I'm not into guys that way' right?" The boy sneered at the Jock; finally getting something back at her. "That's why you went at me so hard isn't it? Say: when do you need that jockstrap back again? It's my turn to do the washing and I know how..." Lincoln trailed off as Lynn's expression turned from rage to a smirk.

He felt himself pucker.

"You know you've got a point there; I'm, kinda boyish… way more than you after all. 'Course that's mainly cause you're such a little bitch, and you know what?" She leaned down to him. "I bet you'll squeal like one too."

Lincoln sweated bullets. "... Look Lynn I might have taken it a bit far but-"

"LUNA!" Lynn shouted without breaking eye contact. "Can I borrow Blarney tonight?"

"Why?" Luna's slightly hungover voice echoed from the upper floor. "It's your turn tonight right?"

"Yeah, but Lincoln wants know what being a girl is like!" Lynn jeered.

"We already did that!" Luna groggily established. "But I mean if you wash 'im afta' I suppose I don't mind..."

"Thanks Luna!" Lynn grinned down at the horrified boy. "Now let's see if Leni can fit you a nice dress!"

* * *

**Victim Blaming from Lisa.**

"Did you orgasm?" Dryly asked the little genius.

"And then she- what?" Lincoln asked in confusion.

"Did you achieve orgasm, street name, cum?" Lisa looked up at over her clipboard.

"W-why is that important?"

"Your reluctance to answer speaks volumes faux sibling unit." Lisa ticked off something on her clipboard. "I would suggest that if you don't want to be a father- again- you learn to keep it in your pants you Bon Bon of a 'victim'."

"B-Bu"

"Street name: slut."

"I'm a boy!"

"It is almost impressive because of it, now please leave: I have an appointment with Ms Sharp about her first trimester and anti nausea medication for Lynn." Lisa turned away to file her paper under 'sibling whining'. "If you don't want to be vomited on mid-coitus again I suggest you go quickly."

"Why does she even keep going; she has what she wanted!"

"I would imagine the same reason you do; she like show it feels."

"I DON'T-"

"I grow tired of your petulant complaining" Lisa pointed a finger at him crossly. "Now please leave; I can smell my elder sisters all over you and I don't want you getting your yeasty germs on my equipment. Go before I activate my security measures for wasting my time; slut."

* * *

**Lincoln sees a therapist**

_"Thanks for listening to my problems doc! I wanted another man besides my father to talk to, and Lisa ignores me, but you really helped listening to my problems. I'm glad my mom got me a therapist! I guess I could still trust some women."_

_"My pleasure Lincoln, I loved listening, and call me Candy, I'm not a doctor."_

_"You're not a therapist?"_

_"No, I'm The Rapist. Says it on my office door."_

_"I, uh, thought it was spelled badly."_

_"Nope! Your mom set me up. I'm your 3 "OH''clock!"_

_"Not again!"_

"Mom, I'm already getting this done to me at home; why did you send me to be fucked by a professional?" The boy asked on the way home, trying breathe into the fresh air from the window to avoid the stank emanating from his every pore

It did not work. It would probably never work unless he moved out.

"Well dear that's the thing; it's being done _to you_ ," explained his mother. "You're not really doing anything back and you need to learn more about how to please a woman besides lasting for a while, which is good but-"

"It's because I hate myself when I cum."

"Don't interrupt: it's rude. Now, you need to learn how please a woman properly; Sam and Luna are all well and good for your fingers and tongue but the meat of and potatoes for a man will always be his meat, so until you learn to use it properly you'll be seeing Candy every Thursday. You can't expect the woman to do all the work after all!"

"..."

Rita sighed, "and if you do it right it'll end quicker, since you're being so sulky about this. Luna will probably stop using Blarney as well."

"You _knew_ about that?"

"Everyone knows about it dear, we could hear the screaming from the front yard."

* * *

**Lincoln learns to moderate his roasts:**

Lincoln was emotionally sore after many incidents, and this morning he couldn't help but bite back after Lynn roasted him for being 'girly'. His barb about her masculinity went about as well as his last one:

"Yeah I guess you're right," the table suddenly fell into silence at Lynn conceding defeat. The Jock smirked however "but c'mon; who can compete with 'Linka'?"

"OHHH!" The twins gasped in mock horror.

"Yeah 'bruh' " Luna used her fingers in mock quotation. "I gotta' say; if I weren't gay already that dress'd be givin' me an' Sam some funny feelings!"

"Are you sure that's not morning sickness?" The bitter reply snapped out from the rape victim. "But you know we've been doing 'this' for months now and you and Lori are the only ones who haven't gotten one yet; maybe you're not 'meant for motherhood'?"

The table returned to silence and regarded Luna with apprehension.

But the rocker just laughed; "nice try bruh, but I got a positive test this mornin'!" And with that she promptly pulled said test from her skirt and waved it around like a trophy.

The table, sans two, cheered and Lincoln just bitterly ate a pancake in defeat. Or least he would have if he suddenly wasn't suspended two feet higher than usual by the neck.

Two blue eyes glared down upon him and he realised his mistake.

"Alright twerp; if Luna 'wasn't meant for motherhood' what does that make me?"

The boy sweated bullets and desperately tried to correct his mistake "... maybe it's just not the right time- HLLRGH!"

"Lynn's softball team. Sam. That weird babysitter and half of your class." She shook him with each new addition. "No more Miss Nice Loud; everyone else, you've had your turn so I'm getting Lincoln solo for the next month!"

The elder girls groaned; save for Leni who had somehow blissfully remained unaware of the madness that had consumed the house and continued to feed Lily.

"We're going every night for until I'm positive, and if I find you having 'alone time' or giving some other girl babies you'll actually think your name is Linka; understood twerp!?"

Lincoln patted at her wrist, and she dropped him so he could breathe. "S-sure Lori. But does this mean that when you're done I'm done with everyone? We can go back to normal?"

"I literally don't care what you do after I get mine so sure."

For a moment the eleven year old saw a ray of hope, and brightened accordingly.

"Actually I'm thinkin' I might go for seconds," Asserted Luna. "Y'know, give little Lyra or Lemy a siblin' an' all that."

"You girls certainly have the genes for it!" Laughed Lynn Sr. "Just remember to slow down a bit or you'll have ten of your own before you know it!"

* * *

**Lincoln gets rejected**

The girls were arguing with each over who had to go over to retrieve their brother, the sole boy having jumped the fence to escape an assault from the girls and Giggles only to be picked up by Mr Grousewhen they heard a knock from the door.

Lynn rolled her eyes and the door open "What? We're kind in the middle of someth- OH HEY GUYS LINC'S BACK!"

The others peaked behind her and sure as day there stood Lincoln, more nude and somehow more miserable than the last time they saw him.

"Hey guys. Can I come in before I catch a cold in my junk?"

"Yeah sure, don't want the swimmers outta comission." Lynn motioned him in.

"Thanks." His voice could have dried a swimming pool.

"So how'd you make it outta there so fast bruv?" Luna asked, tossing him a possibly clean pair of underwear that had been left on the couch, probably torn off after a silly child failed to escape a his chores.

"Mr Grouse didn't want me."

"What?"

"No way!"

"And you call me a comedienne!"

"That's bull bruv, those cheeks demand a spanking!"

"Oh really?" The boy snapped the undies on. "Well that's what I thought was going to happen, and for a while it looked like it too."

"So why didn't he..."

"Fuck me like a Choirboy? Well it turns out that when someone shoves an oversized 'toy' up someone's ass for hours at a time it tends to leave things a bit-"

"LOUD!" Lincoln was cut off as Mr Grouse shouted from across the fence, tossing over some tattered victory undies. "TAKE YOUR SMELLY UNDERGARMENTS WITH YOU! Goddamn youngesters these days, smell like fifteen cunts and still have holes looser than George Orwells belt..."

The room was quiet for a moment, then Lynn snorted and they all burst out laughing.

"I guess those buns are all for show bruv!"

"That's some 'catch and release' right there!"

"Not even making the cut with Mr Grouse, last place as always Stincoln!"

"Wow, even the neighbourhood pedo doesn't want you; Lisa was right, you are literally a slut."

Lincoln would have been further embarrassed, but he had promptly left them to their giggles to avoid having to impregnate the girl named the same.


End file.
